I find you are in my dreams still, as my parents are in my nightmares. I knew bliss with you, I think, but even now that seems like a long time ago. I find that this world is not one for a girl's head to be lost in daydreams, or meandering on her own small shards of sanity. No, that simply wouldn't do, not at all. Like then, I have a mission now. I have aid I can give. It seems that even in these wears bones, which saw much blood and fight, there still remains the city oppressed, the dregs nothing but prey to the festering of the wicked in this world. And why not let it be me to help? I am the most wicked of all, and am proud of that fact. So little Alice let her guard down and lo and behold, she felt the sting as mean as the abandonment at the asylum. Still, this is all right. I needed to remember why, after all. Why I am here instead of back in the world I was born. Why I came upon those shrouded in black, and why they suppose they can reign free.

So onto that then. My weapons haven't dulled: they're sharp as ever.

Still, I do miss you. I can admit that much.

[[Silence at first, and then Alice sings in a very slow, sweet melancholy voice:]]



These are my friends,
See how they glisten.
See this one shine,
How he smiles in the light,
My friends,
My faithful friends...

Speak to me, friend.
Whisper, I'll listen.
I know, I know
You've been locked out of sight
All these years!
Like me, my friend!
Well, I've come home
To find you waiting!
Home,
And we're together...
And we'll do wonders...
Won't we...?

[[Stops the recording, and a soft sigh is heard.]]

Happy Christmas, Chizuru. Wherever you are.

Sending out spies will not go unnoticed.

Remember that when I have disposed of it.

( Locking this lid tightly. )

But I have a job to do. I said I'd track down those Organization miscreants, and I MEANT it. No matter what feelings I have, retribution is the strongest one. I am Alice: demon slayer, balanced on the thread between life and death. I am Alice, holder of cold sanity that makes the killing efficient. I make my mark. I draw the lines on the sand. If you're
my enemy, I find you. And you die.

Simple as that.

Tags: chizuru, cold sanity
Current Mood: melancholy

There she is. That's the girl I know. None of this second guessing, none of this agonizing over not being a "child." Utter nonsense. Let them stay as children, for however long it lasts them. I was a child until the fire, and I am a child no longer. The me in the asylum, and the battle after, is what defines me now.

Cold sanity suits me. The adrenaline suits me. The idea that I am not a hero is tempered by the fact that I needn't be one to begin with. A hero cannot accept losses, but I can, so long as it isn't me. A hero must look out for others, and I can do so until a point. I will not a thing like friends prevent me from killing. People are fine, but they die, and if I forget that, I may find myself at a point where the old skills I learned will be useless. I will remember that day, when I lapsed back into my world and saw it with my own eyes.

Within I had created chaos, the chaos repeated upon my body. Out of that chaos came a hope that I could repair what had been broken: me. It was then I realized that in order to regain what I lost, I needed to relearn everything. Pretty little Alice Liddle had to break, just a little, and go beyond the rabbit hole and the looking glass...and turn them inside out. She had to realize the mirror's reflection was me, even if that me that I knew could never come back. The me I see now has a stare I could never have managed without losing everything. I see it in the stare, dark and cold and impassive. I see it in the few smiles I make, where I stalk the enemy and taken it down.

I am meant to tread dark and light. I am gray.

Internal crises happening. This is completely silly. I don't even know where all this comes from.

Yet still, what does one do after they've weathered everything they needed to so they ensure something close to a perfect world? Do they repent? Do they act as a beacon for heroes to come later? Do they proceed in the ways they know best, self serving and chaotic evil until the end?

I simply don't know.
I don't know what on earth I'll be doing yet. Killing? Making the "world" a better place? Maybe...maybe I should have ended this all a long time ago. Let HER win, and stay where people found me comfortable. A lunatic, a person losing their grip on what others call reality, despite the weak ground reality stands upon. I couldn't stay there, but I am HERE, an despite not really being imprisoned, I'm very much confused.

But I can't think of myself being a prisoner to those things I was subjected to at that time. And I can't think that way now. All the same, I have a kind of longing for something I can't fully describe. Something soft and gentle and warm, that isn't deceiving or conniving or willing to pull back. I don't know what to call it, or if it even has a name.

I'm...VERY confused.

Current Mood: grumpy

Well.
I had forgotten about that rush of adrenaline that comes upon detonation. I feel flustered. I did miss that, and am a little sorry it only exploded ground.

Side effects I'm hoping will cease as time goes by. I am not crazy, but there's still the thrill of being in the face if the enemy and knowing its them or you, and you show them with every dirty thing in the book that it will NEVER be you. You drill it into their being and depart them from this life, acknowledging your inner strength that you persevered.

Alas, back to the gates. I hadn't noticed the woman in the coat. My, but these people fill me with curiosity of where they've come from an what they lived through. A part of me made my story in Wonderland and the Looking Glass, and I could hear their stories about their futures and their encounters with technology and their rather intriguing interests in the same sex.

Well, that last part, erm, is mostly my reaction to that Chizuru girl whose joined our party. For some reason that eludes me, I seem to fancy her, although I'm not altogether sure why or how to call my sudden lack of Cold Sanity. I was even somewhat trying to coldly distance myself from Sora. Not because I wished to see his demise, but I didn't see how risking my life for someone I barely know made much sense. Remembering my Cold Sanity, this seemed to make perfect sense to me.

Now, however, we've talked a bit more, and I see something in him that started in me before they ripped it from me in the asylum: heroism. I see even in his most ridiculously naive moments, someone still abiding by the rules of being a protector.

I know I only saved myself when I got my gadgets, but within me, in a way, there were so many relying on my well- being. Yes, things died and it was blood but it had to be done. I wasn't a self proclaimed hero but I was made one anyway. So here I am in Paixao, and against my better wishes, with a boy who is what I was. Maybe still can be. I must continue to explore where my loyalties lie.

Side note: I may want to explore these queer feelings I seem to get whenever I talk to Chizuru. For some odd reason, I get that same adrenaline rush from explosions and mayhem from talking to her.

So curious.

Current Mood: contemplative

Cold sanity. That's what I think has happened after all this time. I'm not crazy, but I'm not what normal people call sane. It's a sort of in-between kind of emotion, and I find myself playing that part more than any other. It's fairly easy to do when I meet strangers, and it keeps them at an arms length.

And yet...there are those times when I'm NOT cold insane and I can be amicable. There are certain people that bring out that part, and there are times where I actually feel quite comfortable in it. I see those glimpses of the old me then...happy, witty, curious about everything. I forget about the fire, the pain, and the horrors that came after. I forget about that damned asylum. Not to say that Paixao ISN'T one. Quite the contrary. It's one with domes, and the inmates are just as dangerous. The difference is you can play with some, and others can be your friends.

I like something about Sora. He seems nice, and full of energy that I barely remember most boys having. Seeing him makes me ache for the old me that would have followed him on any grand adventure, throwing caution to the wind.

Chizuru is a horse of a different color, and we've only just met. There's something about her I find both off and funny at the same time, and she seems to have a very interesting personality. Also, much to my astonishment, she fancies girls and is quite secure in that part of herself. For whatever reason, I find her off the wall antics more natural than Rinoa's fleeting crush on Robert...but then, I only just met Rinoa too. I haven't a clue what the next moment will bring. If anything, it feels good to share sweets with people I think I'm going to like.

But don't let any of this fool you, Alice. If danger comes, the cold sanity is there. I find that's really the best way to deal with troublesome guests.

It's reliable.

Little bread-and-butterflies kiss the tulips,
and the sun is like a toy balloon.
There are get up in the morning glories,
in the golden afternoon.
There are dizzy daffodils on the hillside,
strings of violets are all in tune,
Tiger lilies love the dandy lions,
in the golden afternoon,
the golden afternoon.
There are dog and caterpillars and a copper centipede,
where the lazy daisies love the very peaceful life they lead...
You can learn a lot of things from the flowers,
for especially in the month of June.
There's a wealth of happiness and romance,
all in the golden afternoon. ...
All in the golden afternoon,
the golden afternoon...

A little ditty I remembered from the old days. I barely know where it came from, but I've started singing it to myself on this train ride. Yes, even on these very long stretches I tend to get very anxious. Sora seems to be the only one interested, though the others seem lost in their own world. I've never been one to need all of the attention, but it would be nice to have someone talking. I can only be alone with my thoughts for so long.

They scare me sometimes.

In any case, we're approaching now. I contemplated setting the ladies room on fire, but I restrained myself.

I hope my companions aren't terribly dull people.

Current Mood: bored

Glad to see the weapons work, even in a completely different place. My new "companions" are a varied folk indeed. The girl Rinoa seems to be attracted to this Robert chap, but I don't think she's very serious. She seems all right, I suppose. I haven't gotten to make much small talk yet, but then I've never really been one for that sort of thing these past few years. Most talk gave away to action, and that in itself led to a rather nasty business which I see I may have to recall in this strange new place.

Sora is indeed something of an enigma. Playfully naive but with a sense of adventure and duty, I think. There is also something very powerful about him, although I can't quite put my finger on what that might be. He speaks of companions he's lost, which sound very similar to the kind of off the wall characters I've gotten used to meeting. They seemed to be quite used to traveling to different worlds, unlike me, who have only traveled in-between hell and back...well, and Wonderland of course. I want to know more about these other worlds, so I guess my natural curiosity hasn't dimmed after all. Still, there are interesting characters I'm getting to know besides these others because of this device: one of them being a rather fetching man(aside from being dead) by the name of Jack Skellington. I'm not sure why, but I think I would like to speak to him again. I would be very curious to know what sort of world he is from. He claims to a Pumpkin king. He seems eloquent, so I think I will put aside my past encounters with royalty and honor him with that title. However, I will refrain from the "yes your majesty" bit, as I find that whole thing quite tiresome.
( private )
Still, this second train is terribly boring. What I would give for that layabout Caterpillar's hookah to lull me to sleep.

Got a better hang of this place now. Am happy to report I am not going crazy, because if I am, this one frightfully convincing state of madness. I would also hope that I'm not a part of someone's machination, but then I suppose we're all guilty of that one way or another.

Met a boy named Sora. An interesting lad to say the least, and most interesting clothing. I aided him with this journal, and in doing so discovered this connects practically everyone on this island. I have no doubt I'll have little conversation from the inhabitants of Paixao and am much more interested in hearing from the people who were transported here. This is perhaps a key in identifying a way to leave, although there isn't terribly much I'll be going back to, is there?

However, one musn't prattle on about such insignificant things, particularly when I have been so unkind as to not give myself proper introduction.

Hallo, my name is Alice. Pleased to meet you all. although that remains to be seen

Ran into some folk after leaving the gate. A spiky haired looking boy and a rather striking dark haired girl. Both wearing strange clothing. However, considering my mode of dress as compared to the inhabitants in this realm, my clothes must looking equally baffling to them. Besides the gate keeper episode, experiencing relatively minor outbreaks of strangeness. At least, anything out of the ordinary at this place will be because of where I am and not me.

That at least earns a sigh of relief.

Current Mood: accomplished

I'm back from somewhere, I'm not entirely sure where, but I'm back. Hoping to see something that will convince me I'm not going 'round the bend again. This is a new place, and I've even been given something to write with. Are these just manifestations of madness, in which I'm actually being given a piece of chalk and am writing on the walls in a nice asylum with dear old mother nurse watching me shaking her head? I'm unsure. Much of this is so unfamiliar. I thought defeating the Red Queen would bring me clarity, but I'm as confused as ever.

For now, I'll use this strange thing. I'm glad in this state I was still able to figure how to operate it. I'll start by recording certain information about myself, and then I'll get into my findings. Hopefully this shouldn't be too hard.
( A rather short and violent history )

As far as I know (and this isn't saying much) I have regained my senses, yet I still have my arsenal of weapons with me. Why? This only tells me that I have another task to deal with, and it may rely on doing the things I have done in my all too recent past.

Two large trees I see, but they're fake. Wonderful. If there were ever a time to take in ill omens, this would be on the mark. So I'm going to try ignoring this and continuing on.

Current Mood: anxious